


Ultramarine Sentiment

by velvetcat09



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alpha!Ginpachi, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempted Sexual Assault, M/M, Mutual Pining, Omega!Hijikata, Omegaverse, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy, additional tags to be added later, writer!ginpachi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27120572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetcat09/pseuds/velvetcat09
Summary: High school romance is just like a case of cold, once graduation came, you're cured and will forget about it. Or something like that. Hijikata selfishly refused to be cured.----Ginpachi/Hijikata AU that started from high school and continue to modern setting. Omegaverse as well so yeehaw
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Sakata Ginpachi/Hijikata Toshirou
Comments: 40
Kudos: 169





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic will progress from high school to adult modern setting
> 
> [Song playlist!!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMbtzQPHObDloWjpTOcrhkALtePLbtSX_%22)

“Sense—”

Everything began and ended with a mistake.

* * *

When he decided to move from his hometown to attend the same high school as his friends, Kondou and Sougo, Hijikata never thought he’d end up like this. He moved out, his brother rented him a small student apartment not far from the Gintama High School, and Hijikata thought that was a good fresh start of his high school life.

He presented around the end of middle school and that had created a fuss inside the Hijikata household. Son of a mistress and an omega as well, only his stepbrother had viewed him as family. He met Kondou and Sougo on a summer camping trip. Some shenanigans happened and long story short, they exchanged contacts and became a close group of friends. When the chance presented itself for him to move away (plus going to the same school as his pals?), Hijikata did everything to convince Tamegorou that he could handle moving school and living alone. He had close friends, good friends, Hijikata assured his brother countless of times.

And it was a good start, an amazing one in fact. Hijikata maintained a mild expectation towards his new school. He decided to keep a somewhat low level of existence within the schoolground. Back in his old school he started as a sort of popular boy among the girls with his face being the selling-point. Plus, he wasn’t a bad student either, in fact trailing on the top 3 of the class through the years. But when he presented, that popularity had turned sour. He thought school would be different than at home, but evidently society were the same everywhere. The girls no longer flocking him and Hijikata was actually relieved for that. He turned a deaf ear towards the murmurs behind his back. The boys used to be split in two, those who hung out with him, and those who were jealous of his popularity so they talked behind him. Then it became those who excused themselves from Hijikata, and those who threw punches at him and called him slurs.

Hijikata never had high expectation. That was why Kondou Isao and Okita Sougo impressed him so much. They were both alphas but never did they look down on Hijikata. Sougo was a sadist in the making so that guy found delight in making Hijikata miserable, but never were his ‘tortures’ came from the reason of Hijikata’s second gender. Kondou had that charisma in him that could attract people together, that charming aspect of a good leader. That was, if you could tolerate the fact that he was probably the son of a human and gorilla with the gorilla DNA dominating 80% of his gene.

To know these people who didn’t judge others like that, Hijikata simply had to know what kind of school they went into. Hijikata wanted to be in that same high school. And he did just that. He entered and got into the same class as Kondou and Sougo for his first year. They were in class G with a bunch of other students with colorful personalities, from what Hijikata gathered during his first week.

Background characters, Hijikata still determined to not stand-out much in his class but it became infuriatingly difficult when his homeroom teacher was introduced. The laziest, slackest, messiest, apathetic, most unbefitting of a teacher that Hijikata had ever encountered. How the hell did the guy got a job, let alone as an educator? And not to mention how striking the teacher’s appearance was. Silver curly hair (that he kept defending to be naturally permed), messy as hell. Messy shirt, messy tie, most annoying cheapest sandals, wrinkly white lab coat that was clearly worn to hide the state of the outfit underneath. Eyes that clearly said ‘I’m dead inside, don’t talk to me’, hidden behind a pair of rim-less clear glasses. From head to toe, Sakata Ginpachi screamed unprofessional.

Well, Hijikata’s expectation was already low but _holy fuck_ was he astounded at this teacher. Right off the bat, the teacher couldn’t give two shits about his class and Hijikata admitted that that gave him a sense of relief. Ginpachi-sensei might be on the extreme side of the spectrum here but if the other teachers were anything like him, Hijikata could handle high school.

He was right, nobody gave a crap about secondary gender in this school. Everyone mingled with anyone. People approached him and didn’t talk behind his back. Hijikata remained close with Kondou and Sougo, joining the kendo club along with them (The latter two already an established member since middle school), he even gained a new friend through the club, Saitou Shimaru. A very quiet kid whose bright orange afro hair on par with a disco light. If it was silver, it would’ve been perfect.

Perfect start, Hijikata would describe his new beginning in this school. Even with Sougo constantly threatening his life and making sure every day was miserable, Hijikata was happy with this. His only complain would be that one single teacher who wouldn’t leave his mind.

Sakata Ginpachi was the homeroom teacher for his first year. The man taught Japanese Language on papers but whenever in class, he just yapped about the latest JUMP issue. If it wasn’t manga, then it was about whatever latest movie playing on the theater. He’d came in late, every single time. As if being late 15 minutes was his definition of punctual.

“Sensei isn’t late. You guys are just early.” He kept saying. At some point, the class took the 15 minutes free time without complaint anymore.

Most of the times, he’d came with lazy footsteps and suspiciously fuming stick dangling in his mouth (He proved it once that it wasn’t cigarette but a lollipop, however Hijikata was still convinced that it was cigarette). Sometimes, he’d came with a messier hair and scrunched up face (Still with the smoking stick in his mouth). On those times, the class would be dismissed as a self-study session. Ginpachi would then spread open a JUMP on his face with a thin textbook to cover the issue underneath, then he’d snooze. Unprofessional without a single care to his job.

He’d be another eccentric teacher that Hijikata wouldn’t pay much attention had it not been for him noticing it. How the outward appearance of a person tends to be deceiving. It was after the papers for the class’ first exam on Japanese Language were returned and Hijikata frowned hard at his grade. He got a 90. That wouldn’t be surprising considering he was a diligent kid determined to be an honor student. But it did surprise him because he swore, he didn’t study for the subject, what was even there to study from the beginning? With a teacher like that. But the grade remained high and Hijikata reviewed his exam result. He did answer those questions correctly as if he knew the answers all along and turned out he did, he did know because Ginpachi taught them. The lessons were integrated with his blabbering over trivial stuff and it somehow stuck inside his brain like those commercial jingles on TV. It was from then that Hijikata began to notice all the subtle thing about Ginpachi-sensei.

First year was somewhat a drag. It was more of everyone establishing themselves in the school. Hijikata (reluctantly or not, he never admitted which it was) learned of his homeroom teacher’s profile a bit more. The man had affinity towards sweets, if it wasn’t cigarette, then he’d have candy in his mouth. Despite the impression of the most unorganized teacher in the world, he returned assignments on time. He may not look like it but he was ready with a lesson plan each class. This Hijikata knew because he finally caught up on Ginpachi’s scheme in hiding his lessons inside all those talks about movies and mangas after the fourth month of school. Knowing this gave the boy a sense of triumph at first over discovering something new but it soon died down when he realized, what’s even the fucking point.

First year was more like prodding a dog shit on the street with a stick.

* * *

Second year, Hijikata still on the same class as Kondou and Sougo. His homeroom teacher was the hemorrhoid teacher, Hattori Zenzou. Hijikata thought at first, good riddance to that useless homeroom teacher. Zenzou-sensei was somewhat more tolerable in term of laziness, he was the same type like Ginpachi, though. It was after a week that Hijikata came to the conclusion that Ginpachi was much better as a homeroom. Sure the man was annoyingly sleazy as fuck but it was never boring when Ginpachi was in class, be it teaching or during homeroom. The banters he had with his class, while troublesome for sure, were surprisingly fun, lively if Hijikata were to properly compliment it. Class with Zenzou was boring. The man either continued on without care of the students, dismissed them entirely, or prattled on about his hemorrhoid.

Hijikata never thought how much he had seen Ginpachi in a day until he no longer had the teacher for homeroom. Over the course of the first two months, Hijikata barely saw the man outside of the class schedule. It was during his first heat for the new school year that he saw Ginpachi out of the classroom scenery.

The suppressant that Hijikata took kept his heat under control. But it did come with some side effects such as lightheadedness and stomachache. Around the end of his first year, he found a good spot to have some alone time at the rooftop of the school and ever since then it became his place for refuge whenever his monthly heat came. Hijikata wasn’t expecting anyone up there, let alone Ginpachi sitting on the floor with his back against the wall of the rooftop entrance. The open sky was supposed to ease his headache, but the sight of that curly silver mop made Hijikata’s head throbbed.

“This is a restricted place; students shouldn’t be here.”

“And neither should you.” Hijikata hissed but sank on the floor anyway, a distance away from Ginpachi.

A moment passed between them in silence. Ginpachi smoking, occasionally huffing smoke into the air. Hijikata trying to breathe clean air from the contaminating fume, he casts his eyes on the distant horizon, watching the slow parallax of the cloudless sky. His head hurt like a bitch, it took a lot of him not to just curl on himself from the abdominal pain as well.

He heard Ginpachi took a sniff in the air.

“You should go to the infirmary.” Hijikata creased his brows instead of looking at the teacher. The guy used to be his homeroom teacher; he’d know of Hijikata’s nature.

“Nah, just needed some fresh air.” A beat after that he heard a rustling noise and Hijikata spared a glance at Ginpachi stubbing his cigarette on the floor. His eyes locked at the teacher’s hand crushing the tobacco stick and he saw a glimpse of a silver watch behind that white lab coat sleeves.

Ginpachi stood up not long after that. The guy passed in front of Hijikata and several things caught the boy by surprise. First was the whiff of the teacher’s scent smacked right on his face. Tobacco was the most prominent one that he picked right away. Then a hint of sweetness underlaying that bitter nicotine. Those were the nastiest combination, yet it felt like there was something else hidden underneath Ginpachi’s bittersweet scent, something sharp. Hijikata was able to think this through because of the second part, and that was the hand that ruffled his hair. A quick motion of rustle-rustle-boom-gone, the sound of door closing announced of his teacher’s disappearance faster than Hijikata could register the hand that was on his head momentarily ago. For some ungodly reason, he could feel the ghost of a big, warm, hand over his scalp. It lingered, just like how Ginpachi’s scent suspended in the air for him to inhale. For some ungodly reason, that eased Hijikata’s headache and stomachache a little.

From then on, they met outside classes. Accidental, every single one of those meetings were not expected by both. Like finding Ginpachi smoking on the rooftop again. Or when they passed each other in the empty corridor afterschool. Meaningless, trivial, happenstance of them exchanging a glance that began and ended in a fraction of a second. And yet every time, Hijikata was reminded of the hand on that rooftop. The boy slowly gained awareness of his teacher’s scent, among other things that he already observed of the lazy perm head slob.

He noticed that despite Ginpachi-sensei’s listless demeanor, he wasn’t unpopular with the students. There were girls who found that apathetic attitude of the useless teacher to be cool. His slackness also gathered the rest of the students, they felt at ease when the teacher himself couldn’t give a shit. The presence of someone who naturally has charm, it reminded him of Kondou’s own magnetism but in a different kind of way.

* * *

“Sougo, what the hell are you doing, oi?” Hijikata glared at the innocent-not-a-single-guilt face of Sougo who clearly was dropping tabasco sauce all over his lunchbox, on top of the mountain of mayonnaise Hijikata already poured.

“I’m just being a good friend that I am, seeing that Hijikata-san isn’t eating his food like usual, maybe he needs something to boost his appetite.” Hijikata glared at the ominous concoction of spice over mayonnaise on his food now, even Kondou grimaced.

“You…”

“It’s your own fault for not eating. What’s up with you, anyway, you’ve been spacing out a lot lately, Hijikata-san.” Sougo innocently ate his tamagoyaki. The underside of Hijikata’s left eye twitched.

“Ah, Toshi, if you want my food—”

“Nah, thanks, Kondou-san. I’m just gonna buy some bread at the cafeteria.” Hijikata picked up his lunchbox and left the classroom with two pairs of eyes drilling hole behind his head. He ended up throwing his food into the trashcan, it was a reheated leftover from dinner anyway. As he emptied his lunchbox into the pile of trash, he slightly lamented the karaage, he was quite proud with how they came out last night.

Hijikata bought yakisoba pan from the canteen and ate on the stairs leading to the rooftop. He didn’t trust himself not to space out again in the class, Sougo would just sabotage his food again and his 200 yen would had been wasted for nothing. However, the sadist kid was right about Hijikata. He’d been staring into the distance often and every time he came to his senses from his little daydream, he couldn’t exactly recollect what he was thinking.

He realized he was spacing again when the sound of the rooftop door brought him back. Out of reflex he looked at the top of the staircase and saw cheap sandals. Trailing up and his eyes met with white lab coat, then he came with contact with the lazy pair of eyes behind glasses. Hijikata blinked and saw the teacher raised an eyebrow, the silent question was answered with the boy returning his attention to his food.

“Forgot your bento?” Ginpachi landed on the step just behind Hijikata.

“N—… Something like that.” He was about to rant over Sougo but that would be too much of a hassle to explain so Hijikata just chewed on his bread.

He saw from the corner of his eyes of Ginpachi crouching down and for a split second Hijikata’s heart skipped a beat. He thought the man would sit next to him, but he didn’t, it was a quick motion and before Hijikata could open his mouth, the figure next to him was already gone into the corridor. His eyes landed on a box of strawberry milk placed on the step.

Seeing the drink, Hijikata realized what he had been spacing about, what was occupying his mind all along. Of a head that resembled a cloud; Hijikata picked up the strawberry milk, putting the straw in and taking a sip.

“Too sweet.” He picked up the lingering scent of Ginpachi.

Third year was when things began to unravel. For the better or for worst, Hijikata never knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the intro part


	2. Chapter 2

Hijikata was placed in class 3Z for his final year in Gintama High School. And again, as if the school staff already knew of the trio that’s wrapped in a packaged deal with ‘Do not separate’ label on the top side of the plastic wrap; Hijikata was in the same class as Kondou and Sougo.

“I can’t believe I’m in the same class as my dearest Otae again~ This is truly God telling us that we’re destined to be together~”

“Right, right, destined to beat the gorilla to the death, yes?” Hijikata watched in mild concern over Kondou’s head pummeled into the nearest wall by the Shimura girl. The Shimaru siblings were in the same class with them. There were familiar faces that he recognized. Like the girl with two buns for a hairstyle already eating her lunch away before the first period even started. The long-haired eccentric guy, Katsura if Hijikata was correct, he must be, the other was always exclaiming it at every chance he got. Not even in the straight man routine, it was just plain annoying and dumb.

Hijikata wouldn’t name every single person in his new class but long story short, he knew them all. They knew him, he knew them; third year wasn’t the place to make new friends, it’s to say farewell to them before they all embark in their separate ways as young adults. He’d brush it off as just part of growing up if you ever ask him, but Hijikata secretly admitted to the excitement of becoming adults. The prospect of becoming truly independent enticed him a lot.

Excitement that was lukewarm, in hindsight. Easily distracted, like for example by his new homeroom teacher entering the class for the first time in this semester.

No. Not new. It was Ginpachi-sensei. He got Ginpachi as homeroom again for his last year in high school. When the silver-haired man entered through that door and brought with him the same scene as two years ago to Hijikata’s eyes, the boy found himself slightly at loss for words.

He knew Ginpachi, knew what to expect of the lazy permhead teacher, third year would be a walk in a breeze. Hijikata couldn’t pinpoint the unrest that hammered through his rib cage at the sight of the teacher, he guessed it was from the concern whether he could pass his desired university exam under tutelage of this listless teacher or not.

Ginpachi greeted the students like it was nothing, _because_ it was nothing indeed. Everyone knew each other already so what was the point of introduction. Just survived for one last year in this crappy school and maybe work a little harder around the end, and everyone would graduate happy. Eloquently said by an unprofessional teacher. Those uninterested eyes were looking at everyone before it zeroed on Hijikata for a fraction of a second. Hijikata blinked at the increasing unrest in his chest.

* * *

Hijikata Toushirou wasn’t a pushover. What he was, was the kind of person who takes the role of the responsible one. He took charge in being the class representative, he was fine with that. It was Sougo who quickly lumped the duty to Hijikata when the class was choosing for the rep. Like any other irritable person, he fired back at the sadist brat, cursing at the sudden one-handed suggestion. The class cycled through all the eligible candidates but evidently it was Ginpachi-sensei’s de facto decision when he pointed Hijikata as the rep. In just one half-assed monotone remark from Ginpachi and all of Hijikata’s excuses died. He was not a pushover, he was merely taking what he was given. He took the duty with no more complaint.

An ulterior motive might be hidden, but Hijikata was still questioning the basis of his actions. When he accepted the charge for his class, his first thought was how the rest of his classmates were an irresponsible bunch so of course he had to step up. The thought of annoying works he had to do now as a class rep, like attending the student council monthly meetings and such came second with a dash of resigned exasperation as reaction. Those were short-lived in comparison to the thought of being somewhat Ginpachi’s right-hand man in handling class 3Z. Ginpachi often asked students for favors like carrying assignments or books. Every teacher does that, a single person only has two hands after all. Something told him that with his current position and from how it was the man himself that appointed it, he’d be asking for Hijikata a lot.

He was right. Where was his 300 yen? He deserved 3 million yen, honestly.

“Hijikata-kun, carry these papers, will you? Just put it on my desk, thanks.” “Yes, sensei.”

“Hijikata-kun, copy these and give it to the class, thanks.” “Fine.”

“Hijikata-kun, from now on you’ll be taking the class complaints, write it on a note, so that we can have a proper discussion during homeroom.” “Huh? Alright, sensei.”

“Hijikata-kun, sensei ran out of cig—candy, can you buy some from oba-san in the canteen?” “Wha—fine, fine.”

“Hijikata-kun, come to the office after you’re done with club, sensei need help with exam questions.” “That’s your job— _fine_.”

What exactly was his basis? He was like an errand boy for the lazy-ass teacher. The teacher’s pet. Sougo kept calling him that and even Kondou agreed. Hijikata argued that he didn’t have the energy to counter Sougo’s words, but truth was as simple as him not exactly denying it. Not at all.

Why he helped the useless teacher all the same, why he barely refused; the answer was there if Hijikata would ever bother to untangle the mess that was his impression of Sakata Ginpachi. Because he could easily say no. Yes, it was his duty as the class rep to help the teacher; nevertheless, it was okay for Hijikata to refuse. Ginpachi might be a good-for-nothing teacher, but he wasn’t an incapable one.

“It’s okay to say no, you know. You’re a high schooler, hanging out with friends is reason enough to say no.” Ginpachi spoke after Hijikata placed the stack of papers on his desk.

Yeah. He could just say that.

“Sensei, you shouldn’t smoke in the office.”

“Right.” Ginpachi stubbed his cigarette and Hijikata left.

He could say many things except for one; that he wanted to help Ginpachi out of selfish reason. For a reason quite childish like wanting to spend time with the man. A slacker of an educator, unprofessional through and through. Not a good role model for certain and Hijikata wanted to be close to him. Hijikata’s responsible act became a paradox; was it his personality to be responsible or was it to gain leverage for his selfishness? The moment Hijikata realized his basis was exactly the beginning of a brewing mistake.

* * *

How did it develop? Who knows, beats him. Hijikata got confessed couple of times during middle school, they were all rejected because something cheesy like school romance had never interest him. His love was only for mayonnaise and if you could ever date a condiment, it would be Hijikata’s girlfriend now.

A crush was something that Hijikata Toushirou just didn’t have, needn’t be having. But he did notice those crushing over the sleazy teacher over the course of two years he attended Gintama High School, saw the chocolates the man got during Valentine’s day. People have crushes and someone like Ginpachi-sensei wasn’t a bad choice at all.

So he may not know how he developed this feeling towards Ginpachi, but Hijikata admitted to having one. It’s a normal thing for high schooler, yes? People do that. People have crushes and Ginpachi wasn’t a bad choice, no, not at all.

Ginpachi was an enigma, full of subtle walls that a brat like Hijikata would not know how to crack, yet. Teenagers are straightforward, they’re driven by their emotions, they’re particular about their feelings. Adults, meanwhile, hides themselves to be a functional member of society. Hijikata didn’t understand it, but he wanted to, at the very least, understand Sakata Ginpachi.

Because the way the man treated Hijikata made his chest tightened. It would had been fine if Ginpachi treated him like with Sarutobi; ready to kick whenever the girl jumped on him. But it wasn’t like that. In the first place, Hijikata didn’t jump on Ginpachi. He followed the teacher like a pet because it was his duty as the class representative. No ulterior motives behind it, just taking his responsibilities. The fact that he got to spend more time with Ginpachi was just a bonus.

Bonuses such as the little treats he’d get after he helped the man. It was something that began as early as in second year. Hijikata doesn’t like sweet but he appreciated that strawberry milk, nonetheless. It was the first and for a long time, the only thing he’d ever receive from Ginpachi. However, with the current arrangement, asking Hijikata for assistance seemed to be the man’s way of handing out free treats, an excuse.

His first payment for helping to carry the stack of papers was a piece of candy. Ginpachi just had that in his pocket at that time. Then he got more candies, and then yoghurt drink; Hijikata kept saying that he didn’t particularly eat or drink these, but he still finished them on his way home. Too sweet, every one of them were too sweet for his taste. Especially Sensei’s scent. Hijikata still couldn’t figure out what was the other thing that was hidden underneath that strawberry sweetness and tobacco bitterness.

He got other form of treats as well. Rare one, Hijikata realized that he only ever got these during special occurrences. Whenever he was on that rooftop searching for fresh air to soothe his monthly sickness.

Hijikata squinted uncomfortably at the horizon when he broke the silence. “Why are you always here whenever I’m here?”

“Oi, oi, sensei’s the one who was here first?” Hijikata didn’t reply. Ginpachi was right, if anything the one that looked like following the other would be Hijikata and the boy couldn’t exactly argue with that. But that wasn’t his intention at all; whenever he came to the rooftop it was for his own need and had nothing to do with Ginpachi. He just needed that openness to relief some of his pain from the heat suppressant. It just so happened that whenever he got here, Ginpachi was always already there, either smoking or drinking some sweet drinks Hijikata couldn’t be bothered to think (strawberry milk, strawberry yoghurt, strawberry Calpis; if it happened to be Monday, it’d be coffee.). Hijikata pretended to ignore the other’s presence but in actuality was very much aware of each one of Ginpachi’s moves. Like how he would stub his cigarette not long after Hijikata arrived, how sometimes he left behind a drink for him (“I already drank one.” or “I bought extra.” would be the excuse); and those things were terrible for his already constricting-too-hard-for-his-comfort heart.

It made him fell for Ginpachi harder.

“Why do you come here?” Hijikata turned his head at Ginpachi’s question and his eyes met the other’s. The raven’s brows creased in reflex.

For some reason, that question felt like it had another meaning entirely behind it. Here, here on the rooftop or here in the high school?

“I needed fresh air.”

“Yeah, _sensei can see that_.” Ginpachi sneered and a vein popped for Hijikata out of reflex again. Getting riled up seemed to be the natural reaction for him. The boy returned his frown to the distance. With the cigarette no longer wafting tobacco in the air, the other’s scent became more apparent for Hijikata. What a bad thing for his heart.

“It’s nice up here, isn’t it? No one here to disturb.” Ginpachi leaned back on the wall, eyes up ahead on the endless sky. “Nice weather as well. Makes you want to just ditch the entire school, right?”

“Should you be saying something like that, sensei?”

“If I were you, I’d be skipping class all the time.”

“Knew it, you’d be that kind of student.” Hijikata snorted a chuckle at the image of high schooler Ginpachi loitering in places and skipping school.

“Yeah, well, a nice weather like this will always make you lazy. Especially on a perfect spot like this one.” A soft smile graced his face and Hijikata could see this from the corner of his eyes. “I can see why you go here.”

“… I like it here.”

Ginpachi looked at him and Hijikata averted his eyes before maroon could catch indigo. He could feel Ginpachi’s stares.

“Yeah, I like it as well.”

Hijikata stopped breathing for a second.

And this was his rare treats. Only during this time, and even then, he might not even get it all the time. It was incredibly rare—unforgettably rare.

Ginpachi stood and passed him on his way to the door. A hand ruffled Hijikata’s hair lightly. “Had a feeling you’d be here like always.”

He was gone. Leaving behind an unprecedented warmth spreading through Hijikata that soothed his buzzing head. Ginpachi’s alpha scent was hanging in the air. There was no mistaking it, that the man himself flared it just for the tiniest bit, for that short window of contact. Maybe it was out of natural instinct as an alpha to look out for others. Maybe because he was the teacher who had responsibility over his students. Maybe something more whimsical like trying to comfort the boy who was enduring his monthly sickness because maybe Ginpachi cared for him, however slight it was. Either way, the reason mattered not for Hijikata. He savored that engulfing comfort all the same.

Because either way, the only thing that mattered was how _nice_ Ginpachi’s scent was, how _compatible_ it felt.

* * *

Third year was going smoothly even with his lowkey crush on his teacher. The lazy teacher remained lazy as ever and it was easy for Hijikata to brush aside his feelings in favor for irritation. Ginpachi was very easy to be annoyed at, from head to toe, the guy was the perfect type to annoy a responsible straight-man like Hijikata. That was, if he didn’t venture further into the rabbit hole. Stop at just being annoyed, don’t even think about how endearing it had become.

Between nursing his irritation and preparing himself for the entrance examination, Hijikata managed quite well. There wasn’t a particular university in mind at first, but somewhere in the middle of the semester, Kondou said about joining the police academy. Sougo lamely said that he’d go wherever Kondou go so the brat would be going for the academy as well. That left Hijikata mulling over his own decision.

“I think you’d make a fine civil servant. You’re responsible. You have a sense of duty.” Ginpachi huffed out his smoke. Hijikata confided to the teacher one afternoon after yet again helping the man with sorting paperwork.

“That’s your career choice decided then. Nice, a weight off sensei’s back. Thanks, Hijikata-kun.”

“I haven’t decided yet, oi.” Ginpachi just snorted a laughter as a reply.

“Right, right, there are still months before you have to submit the career choice paper, anyway.”

Hijikata was not a pushover, but he did end up deciding to go for the police academy. His friends were going there, he wouldn’t be alone. He got told that he had it in him for that kind of job, something that the raven himself had acknowledged for himself. Hijikata only agreed to all the logical factors to it. Ginpachi only happened to voice it.

Slowly but surely, everything was set for Hijikata.

Until, of course, it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly want to progress through this faster but i guess i need to stretch the intro bit bc it's the foundation of the following plot after all, anyway thanks guys for looking forward to this!


	3. Chapter 3

“Sensei, I like you.”

It’s one afternoon in October, it had been raining more often lately. Summer’s farewell, Autumn rain. The air was getting chiller, but they had yet to wear their winter uniform. Though some were doubling their clothing articles with hoodies, some were still sporting the summer uniform. Cold with the last hint of Summer’s humidity, such was the weather during this month.

Hijikata decided to rip off the band-aid in one take on Ginpachi’s birthday.

They were alone in the teacher office; Hijikata was helping Ginpachi yet again, but this time it wasn’t with carrying papers, rather he helped carrying the various birthday presents from the students. Various small trinkets, ranging from handmade cookies (what was this? Valentine’s?) to God knows what abomination in that wrapped box from Sarutobi. Hijikata himself had yet to give his. He’d been thinking about it for days, unsure of what kind of present he should give. Handmade? Store-bought? Something that Ginpachi liked? What kind of things were that? A bottle of mayonnaise wrapped in ribbon?

So he settled on this.

“… Eh?”

“I like you.” Hijikata kept his eyes on Ginpachi, he didn’t know what sort of look he had on his face, he just focused on trying to read any reaction from the other.

“That’s reassuring to hea—”

“Not like that.” His heart was pounding hard. It had been like that for a while now, Hijikata couldn’t keep it anymore. “I _like_ you, Sensei. I really _like_ you…”

Ginpachi only looked at him, maybe digesting his student’s words, maybe trying to form a reply; Hijikata hoped it was an answer, even a rejection would be better than being dismissed as a joke. And yet he didn’t want to hear Ginpachi’s answer. He opened his mouth before the permhead could form another word.

“For Sensei’s birthday present, I want to give you a kiss.”

Hijikata couldn’t wait for that rejection, he took a step forward, and leaned. He thought he’d get a surprise peck over the man, but his mouth was met with a palm instead. Ginpachi stopped him midtrack.

“I appreciate it, truly.” Hijikata’s chest hurt so much from all the beating.

_However,_

Before Hijikata could pull away and fully immersed himself in the rejection, Ginpachi pulled him in, making the boy landed right on the other’s chest. This close and Hijikata was assaulted by the alpha’s scent, it filled his nostril and immediately his chest constricted again.

There was a press on top of his hair, warm, Hijikata realized it was Ginpachi giving a kiss on his head. “I’m sorry.”

It was gone as quick as it happened. Before he could say anything about it, Ginpachi let him go. The man turned his back and busied himself with tidying his desk before going home. Hijikata opened his mouth, and then he closed it. He didn’t know what to say. Watching the man’s back, he really didn’t know what else to say. Even if he knew, he doubted his voice will work. Thus, he turned away as well, exiting the teacher office.

On his way through the corridor to get to his class, Hijikata thought of Ginpachi’s scent. He didn’t want to think of the words yet. His heart couldn’t handle that yet, so he thought about how close he was for moment there and how he could pick up Ginpachi’s alpha scent clearly. It had been raining lately but today on the teacher’s birthday, the sky had brightened up for the lazy permhead. It wasn’t harshly sunny, sort of cloudless as well, it was a nice weather.

And yet Hijikata distinctly smelled rain from Ginpachi’s clothes. Autumn rain. Hijikata now realized the third ingredient to the alpha’s scent and it was petrichor.

* * *

So that was how it felt to be rejected.

Probably karma, Hijikata rejected those who confessed to him back then as well. Now he was given a taste of his own poison. It hurt a couple days after that. The pain lingered in his chest, just like the memory of that bittersweet rain. Heartbroken is a common disease with high schooler. It subsided after a week and Hijikata took it on his own to cease his engagement with Ginpachi. He performed the usual duty as class rep, but he didn’t pursue any more than that. He kept his eyes and attention elsewhere whenever he was alone with the teacher. He needed to focus on his studies, after all.

Hijikata decided to do this after seeing how Ginpachi himself acted like that afternoon never happened. When he got no reaction of a recognition from that rejection—Hijikata learned more about what it meant to be an adult. He matured.

And yet, despite the distance that he had put effort into making it, the longing in his heart wouldn’t stop. It just kept on flaring, existing, an annoying flicker of heat in his chest that wouldn’t fade. His mind wanted to give up, but his heart wouldn’t budge. It became a stalemate for the week afterwards. And the week after it as well. It dragged on until the semester ended.

It was time for cram school. Some got into studies group, others into those cram schools in downtown, a handful couldn’t give a shit and just enjoyed their holiday, one Hijikata Toushirou studied on his own because he couldn’t exactly afford going into cram schools. He was offered to join the study group with the Shimura siblings, but he bailed out once he heard they’d be asking Ginpachi to tutor them. The Shimura siblings and that one Chinese girl were close with Ginpachi outside of school, something about growing up in the same area and knowing each other’s families. Though Shinpachi did say about asking the permhead teacher’s guidance, there was no guarantee the lazy teacher would lend them a hand.

During the winter holiday Hijikata holed himself in the public library. They had wi-fi, no entrance fee (he had a membership as well), and they got heater. Warming up in the public library saved him the heating bill, and although Tamegorou paid of the bill, Hijikata wanted to properly be independent. He learned all that he could to live on his own, he didn’t want to be a burden to his brother anymore. He studied hard because he planned on taking the scholarship as well for the academy. He had his future already thoughtfully planned ahead, he had so many on his plate; Hijikata used that as a mean to forget about Ginpachi during the winter break.

Except life seemed to love dropping unexpected things on him. Like sprinkles of surprised, peppered here and there. Somewhere early December, he accidentally came across Ginpachi at the public library. The guy was standing between the war and Japan history section, scanning the shelves. Hijikata paused out of reflex and Ginpachi looked at him with a mild surprise on his face.

“Oh, hi.”

“Sensei..”

Hijikata ended sitting next to Ginpachi, they sat near one of the large windows that was facing the backyard of the library. The silver-haired man sat after dropping several history books on the table, Hijikata himself had his mock exam books. Glancing at the teacher, the man looked… oddly _cleaner_ with a white button up and black slacks. You could mistake him as a salaryman if he wore a tie. The sight of Ginpachi looking remotely professional made his heart skipped a beat.

“What are those for?” Hijikata observed the stacks of history books, he noticed some of them were on Edo period.

“References.”

“You teach Japanese Language, though.”

“Yeah, well, for personal work.”

Hijikata blinked, his eyes inquired and Ginpachi scratched the back of his neck.

“Ah, I wrote a bit in my spare time.”

“Articles?”

“Hmm, novels.”

Hijikata kept blinking dumbfoundedly. Partly in awe, partly in disbelief. “What kind of novel do you write?”

There was a moment of thought before Ginpachi answered. His face contorted from a slight frown to a mischievous grin that Hijikata knew well. “Adult stuff that Hijikata-kun can’t read yet.”

The boy fumed and redden on command. “Annoying permhead.” He moved his attention to his notes, feigning focus when his mind wouldn’t stop drifting at the thoughts of Ginpachi being a novelist.

Throughout the month, they kept meeting in the library. Ginpachi learned about Hijikata studying for the entrance exam on his own and Hijikata learned about Ginpachi’s researching for his next novel, set in the period of Edo. Somewhere in both of their works at the library, Ginpachi tutored a thing or two for Hijikata. It began with Hijikata asking a question at Ginpachi and the man answering him with full attention. It wasn’t what Hijikata had planned but what else could the boy do other than accept the much-appreciated help.

“You’re aiming for the police academy?”

“Yeah, with Kondou-san and Sougo.”

Ginpachi hummed thoughtfully, eyes suddenly glancing away at the distance.

“What’s wrong?” Hijikata looked up at him.

“No, no, _boys be ambitious_ , right?”

Hijikata spent his supposedly self-study time searching for Ginpachi’s novels. The man didn’t bring the topic out again and Hijikata couldn’t exactly just ask him in broad daylight. Sure, he already confessed, got rejected, that didn’t mean he could easily overcome this barrier of awkwardness of intruding into the other’s life. Then again Ginpachi would probably just tease him and deflected the question if Hijikata asked. Such was this annoying teacher’s disposition.

He tried tracking through names but didn’t exactly find anything. He tracked through his name first and you’d think it’d be an easy start, but Sakata was not an uncommon family name, Hijikata couldn’t go through that route. So, he tried being sneaky and ‘smart’ by inspecting what Ginpachi might write, judging by the books he used as reference. It was ‘smart’ on first thought, but if you think further about it, a really stupid idea because the possibilities of the combination were endless. The man could’ve written anything.

Hijikata caved in and asked for a hint. He tried as casual as he could during one snowy afternoon.

“Do you write under another name?”

“Hmm?”

“Your novels.”

Ginpachi peered at him, his face changed through a range of expression. From boredom, to quirking, to smirking. “Looking for sensei’s novels, aren’t you?”

“Wh—” It was automatic for Hijikata to flush.

Ginpachi’s expression softened. “Yeah, it’s under a pseudonym.”

Hijikata found himself staring at that expression for a good while, Ginpachi didn’t even tease him for it.

He was stumped. His studies neglected, his head wondering over useless thing, his heart wouldn’t quiet down. Hijikata decided to clear his head by perusing the bookshelves for something that could distract his mind. He gave the search one more go before giving up for good. There was no way he could meticulously searched through the entire novel section in the library, that would be insane, and his main objective in coming to this place in the first place was to study, not waste time reading fictions.

Eyes lazily scanning the book spines for name that Hijikata didn’t even know, he didn’t pay attention to the person passing him who plopped a book on top of his head. The boy turned around immediately and was met with Ginpachi’s back, walking towards his usual spot at the library. The book fell in front of Hijikata and he stared at the cover.

The title was only one word and what caught Hijikata’s immediate attention was the author’s name. He was about to run to his teacher, demanding explanation, but his brain made it just in time to stop him. It grounded him instead on that spot to properly inspect the book. Soul by Sakata Gintoki.

He didn’t ask Ginpachi about it because Hijikata knew the man would just use his usual method of deflection, and he probably wanted Hijikata to fully read the book first before making any comments about it.

The next day Ginpachi didn’t come to the library so Hijikata used the absence of his teacher/tutor as an excuse to read the novel. He got absorbed into the book and ended up spending the entire day reading through the whole book, finishing it in one sitting. It was a somber kind of story, there was a bit of every genre in it. There was romance, there was crime and mystery, there was friendship; it was a actually a string of stories that were woven together into a clear picture at the end. Each story weren’t connected to one another at the beginning, yet by the end of it, realizing the underlining connection felt really satisfying, and when you read back you noticed how the foreshadows were there all along. Hijikata sat in silence for a good ten minutes when he finished the book. Just basking at the end of it.

A listless, unprofessional, lazy, annoying, permhead, good-for-nothing of a teacher wrote this book. Ginpachi-sensei wrote this. Hijikata couldn’t comprehend it, yet a part of him easily pictured Ginpachi being the writer. Something clicked and felt right, Hijikata didn’t know what that was, why that was.

He spent the rest of his time at the library that day searching for the rest of Ginpachi’s novels. By the end of the day, he found that the man had written five novels, the library had them, and Hijikata checked them all. He binged read all of them until dawn in his apartment, neglecting dinner. Something inside him just wouldn’t want to stop reading those books. They were good novels, but more on the hidden gem kind of good. Where they weren’t the best seller but, honestly, deserved all the recognitions. They had humor, they had angst, they had romance; how the hell can someone like Ginpachi tackled all those genres so perfectly? Hijikata teared up on one of them that was telling a story of an orphan child living through his day at a train station.

He cried over a fiction that the permhead asshole wrote.

To know this side of that man, his heart flared again. It was bad enough that he still couldn’t shake off the alpha’s scent off his mind. Bad enough that they kept meeting at the library, sharing conversation, and being privately tutored. Now he was being shown this other side of Sakata Ginpachi that not many people knew, probably. Surely none of his classmates knew, that Sarutobi girl wouldn’t know, would she? His heart kept beating harder and harder. He felt special, he felt like getting special treatment.

Burying his baggy eyes and messy face on his pillows, Hijikata fell harder for Ginpachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can tell i'm just dumping all things that i like here, i'm just gonna be self-indulgent ahahah  
> was going to put the M rating to a good use for this chapter, but ended up having to postpone it so i'm sorry, i'll get to it in the following chapter or so


	4. Chapter 4

Ginpachi came again just the day before Christmas. He was returning the books he borrowed. The man was surprised to see Hijikata still in the same spot they usually sat, immersed in books with a strained face.

“You’re still studying?” Hijikata almost dropped his pencil when he heard the voice coming up from behind, he turned around and came face to face with his teacher.

“Sensei—”

“Shouldn’t you be relaxing? Enjoying the holiday?”

“I can’t, I’m aiming for the scholarship,”

“Yeah, but you’re already pretty good, you’ll make it, I’m sure. You should take a break.” Ginpachi took his usual seat next to him and Hijikata debated over telling the man the truth. He _was_ taking breaks. He had been taking breaks ever since Ginpachi showed the novels that he wrote, Hijikata been reading them one book after another, devouring the novels, and abandoning his study. He finished a couple days ago and when he was done with the published novels, Hijikata went on the internet to search for his sensei’s other works, looking whether there was other publication from the lazy permhead guy. There were short stories published in magazines, some articles, even interviews as well. It was bizarre, to be honest, seeing this side of Sakata Ginpachi that wasn’t related to his day job at all. Weird and it made the raven wanted to know even more. He was always a curious guy, when it comes to a mystery, there’s a deep desire to keep digging for information. His diligence in this field was his strong point for going into the police academy.

So, anyway, he had been taking too much breaks. He needed to get back on track. Hijikata couldn’t just say this to Ginpachi, the embarrassment would kill him. 

“You got plans tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”

“You know what tomorrow is, right, Hijikata-kun?” Ginpachi raised an eyebrow and Hijikata blinked stupidly for a second before realizing. Right, _Christmas_.

“Nn—Y-yeah, sure, I got plans tomorrow..” Plan to continue his study that was. Hijikata ruffled his hair lightly, looking down at his notes. Ginpachi watched him from the side.

“You don’t have a plan.”

“I just said I have one.”

“You’re not a good liar, Hijikata-kun.” Hijikata’s heart skipped a beat. What gave it away? His voice? Expression? Gesture? Scent?

“What’s that got to do with you anyway,” The boy averted his face, busied himself with his notes again.

“You’re not going to a party or something with your friends?” Ginpachi opened his laptop instead of opening a book to read like usual. That was one of the rare things that Ginpachi did in the library, bringing and working with that laptop.

Hijikata looked up. He decided to tell the truth.

“No, Kondou-san went back to his hometown, Sougo as well.”

“Ah, that’s right. Why aren’t you going back to your hometown, you live alone, aren’t you?” Ginpachi propped his face on his palm and faced Hijikata. The sudden full attention caught the boy off-guard.

“How do you know that—”

It was Ginpachi’s turn to fluster, realizing that he might had treaded into personal territory without permission. “Ah, well, your guardian’s address and your address on the student records..”

Hijikata frowned slightly, that didn’t explain why Ginpachi would know that he lived alone, still. But the boy let the man go with it.

“No, I’ve got studies to do.” He looked away. He wasn’t lying when he said that he had to study, he really did. Hijikata was telling the truth—well, partial truth, if you will. The other half of that was because he didn’t feel right going to his hometown. Hijikata had always been an awkward child in the family, he could only mingle with Tamegorou and his wife. He didn’t get along with the rest, both the elders and his cousins. His status as an illegitimate son, and the fact that he resembled his mother so much, was like a huge sign on top of his head for people miles away to recognize.

Hijikata already told his brother that he wouldn’t be home for the winter break, anyway. He wanted to focus on his school, he’d be back after graduation before heading for university. He had it all thought out already.

“Ugh, you’d be a workaholic for sure.” Ginpachi grimaced. “Kids should enjoy their youthful time. You’re not even attending any parties? Your classmates must be hosting at least one. The Shimuras are having one, I believe.”

Hijikata peered at the man. Ginpachi must had been invited.

“No, I don’t want to impose.”

“Guess so, huh.”

The boy spared the man one last look before returning to his own books. He couldn’t decipher what the teacher was conveying with those words, and he already spent way too much time reading into Ginpachi’s every little gesture, it was time for him to start letting go.

They remained silent for the next couple hours, only the sound of rustling pages being flipped, the scribble of his pencil, and the mechanical ticks of Ginpachi typing on his laptop. Focused on each of their respective work. They paused when it began to snow, both looking up from their works to watch the white flakes fall gently from the darkened sky. Somehow, it was already the evening. Ginpachi closed his laptop and Hijikata stretched his body from sitting too long. They tidied their things in their bags, silently agreeing to go home.

“You’re going to come here tomorrow?” Hijikata looked up, paused, then gave a small shrug.

“Probably.” Most likely. Most definitely.

“Wow, studying on Christmas eve and Christmas day as well, that’s just sad.” Ginpachi sneered and that immediately made Hijikata fumed.

“Like you’re one to say, you just spent your entire day here as well. Aren’t you the type to go drinking with your coworkers? Aren’t you supposed to be _popular_?”

Ginpachi huffed a laughter, pushing the chair he just used. “Sensei is still popular, but he’s also a responsible man who finishes his work first before partying. And who’s to say I’m not going to one after this?” Ginpachi peered at him with a teasing grin and whatever reply Hijikata had, died instantly in his throat.

Yeah, who’s to say that the main wasn’t heading to a gathering after this.

“Hope you get a mean hangover, then.”

“Uwaa, Hijikata-kun so mean.”

They parted away in front of the library like always, headed to different directions. Ginpachi walked away first, a messenger bag and his phone in hand making a call. A picture that didn’t fit what Hijikata usually saw at school. Where was that sleazebag of an educator? The teacher who yawned openly during class, who smoked right in front of his students without a care. The life of Sakata Ginpachi outside the boundary of the high school. Hijikata understood a little more about adult life. How you can easily have a double side like that. Was this why kids were so eager to grow up? To have that 24-hour lifestyle? Working then attending afterwork party, you didn’t have to be holed with one single thing like he did with his studies.

How envious.

Hijikata realized on his way home the reason why Ginpachi’s words at the end didn’t sit right with him. The boy wasn’t expecting the teacher to come to the library today. Ginpachi’s presence was a much-welcomed surprise, albeit how the majority of it was only filled with silence. But he was there, with him, conversing with him. It warmed his entire being, to have Ginpachi spending time with him like that. Hijikata knew he had it bad, he was pass the point of admitting how bad it was. It was time to either move on or keep hurting himself over someone unattainable.

Being able to spend time with Ginpachi like that, alone, just the two of them, had tossed him right up in the air. But then the remark instantly dropped him to the ground, back to reality. It was probably just a coincidence that they met at the library. The silver-haired man had something to work on at the public library, and Hijikata already coming to the place almost every single day of December now.

But it had felt like the school rooftop. Something of a secret. One who needed a place for refuge, and one who happened to frequent the place. Which was which, either of them fitted the roles.

Only coincidence.

* * *

“What a sad, sad, sight.”

“Wh—”

“Pack your things, let’s go out.”

“What—wait!” Hijikata scrambled with his notes and stationaries, cramming them into his sling bag as fast he could because Ginpachi was walking away. There was no reason for him to immediately response like that, but it was Ginpachi, and that was reason enough for someone like Hijikata to immediately do what the other said.

Plus, he said ‘let’s go out’, whatever could that possibly mean.

They stood outside the public library building for a good ten minutes. Hijikata bundled up in his scarf and Ginpachi snug with his parka. It was lightly snowing, a beautiful weather if what you were looking for is a White Christmas. It would be perfect if the snow continued until night. The boy waited while his teacher scrolling down through his phone. Did he even have a plan? What’s even going on right now? What was even the point of this. It’s freaking cold and awkward standing in public by the silver-haired man’s side.

“… Sensei, I’m heading back inside.”

“Wait, wait, wait, we’re going, we’re going, hold on, just give me a minute.” Ginpachi was still scrolling down his phone.

What a well-prepared, professional, responsible, adult.

“… Sensei, it’s cold.”

“Uh, do you want to go to an amusement park?” Hijikata squinted.

“It’s cold.”

Ginpachi scrolled down the screen with his thumb. “Karaoke?”

“At 11 in the morning?”

Ginpachi scrolled again. “Aquarium?”

“Isn’t that like, _better_ for Summer?”

“Food?”

Hijikata shifted his legs. “I just had breakfast.”

Ginpachi rubbed a hand over his own face, somewhat looking frustrated. Hijikata didn’t want to read too much into what was Ginpachi planning, on but his heart couldn’t help beating a little bit faster than usual.

“Movie?” The tips of Hijikata’s ears turned a shade darker. That sounded like a da— “Or is there a place you want to go?”

“Uh…”

He heard Ginpachi sighed and lighted a cigarette, his attention returned to his phone screen but this time he shared what was on it with Hijikata. “Here’s some good spots in the area, see if anything catches your attention.”

The phone was handed over to Hijikata as Ginpachi smoked a step away from the raven. Hijikata fumbled, caught off-guard by the gesture and having to choose for a destination. He got nothing in mind, really. However, Ginpachi entrusted the decision on Hijikata, his pride didn’t want to disappoint the other, absolutely not.

But scrolling through the directory, zooming in and out of the map, if anything it just made him even more indecisive. Too many choices and he didn’t know what kind of place they should go. What’s appropriate and not. He needed some form of elimination. There were countless of good attractions around the area. The places that Ginpachi already mentioned before could be dismissed, he supposed. Hijikata focused himself not to think of this sounding like a date or anything; it wasn’t, of course it wasn’t.

This was nerve wrecking.

Hijikata peeked from the phone to look at Ginpachi.

“Uh, anywhere?”

Ginpachi took a drag of his cigarette.

“Anywhere.”

_What kind of hellish situation was this????????????_

The raven decided to start somewhere with this decision-making problem. Public space; somewhere that wouldn’t make them (well, Hijikata, mostly) feel too ‘private’, somewhere where there were still people around so to spare Hijikata’s heart from the idea of being in a secluded area with Ginpachi alone. Not a big crowd; nothing that was filled with people during the holiday, for fear of meeting anyone they knew, and also because Hijikata didn’t do good in crowded places. So, places like the mall, shopping district, or any of that sort were out of the question.

Hijikata scrolled around and thought—public library was already a perfect place, why couldn’t they just stay there? He scrolled again until he found a somewhat eligible choice.

“How about museum?”

“Museum?”

“The historical museum one, it’s not far from here, right? And sensei’s researching on history stuff as well, aren’t you?” Hijikata looked at the other and for a second, Ginpachi held a stunned expression. It was only a blip before he stubbed his cigarette. He then straightened from his spot and approached Hijikata, who handed his phone back.

“Of all exciting places we could go during Christmas and you choose a museum. You’re no fun at all, Hijikata-kun.” Ginpachi shook his head lightly with a small chuckle accompanying it.

“Wh—you said anywhere! I want to stay in the library, but you dragged me out here!”

“If you’re using museum as a ploy for studying excursion, I swear to—”

Hijikata chewed on the inside of his mouth. “I didn’t get to properly look around during the school trip last year.”

Ginpachi stayed silent after that. He pocketed his phone and ruffled Hijikata’s hair.

“Let’s go.”

* * *

The last time he visited the museum was for a school excursion on his second year. Visiting the history museum, when your school was made up of lazy ass people from top to bottom, there was no way they could get a normal excursion. Everyone was bored, it was only for their class with Zenzou-sensei chaperoning. The guy just walked straight ahead ignoring his students. If they listened, good. If they didn’t, whatever, just be sure to stay in the group, don’t get lost. Hijikata wanted to pay attention to what Zenzou was explaining, but the man really didn’t have the knack to do lectures, especially not on history. And with Kondou and Sougo in tow, there was no way Hijikata could stay upfront in the line. He wondered, back then, if Ginpachi was the one doing the talking and such. Probably would be just the same like Zenzou, even more irresponsible. Probably just told the students to scram with their assignments, go do their own research.

But unlike Zenzou, Ginpachi had it in him to make boring things interesting, despite all his apathetic facade. And the maybe-ness of that train of thought made Hijikata wondered what would it be like if it were Ginpachi leading at the front of the line.

Who would had thought that a year later, he’d get a chance to see the answer of his conundrum.

“S—”

“If you’re asking me to explain you about these things, I’m going to tell you right now that I know nothing about history, I can’t give you a tour.”

Ah.

“… Even though you’re a teacher.” Hijikata didn’t feel like making it into a question. Ginpachi had always been balancing precariously over the line of professionalism. He could tip either way however he liked. The silver-haired man standing next to him right now wasn’t a teacher, not even remotely a useless one.

Ginpachi walked around and for the first fifteen minutes, Hijikata tailed behind him in silence. Perhaps out of habit, something that was rammed into his unconscious to ‘follow the leader’ like in kindergarten. Or maybe instinctual because for some reason, the combination of the museum’s preserved wooden furniture and the alpha’s subtle scent created something sophisticated and so unlike Sakata Ginpachi that Hijikata just had to keep following.

Hijikata realized this embarrassing behavior of his when the man glanced at him and their eyes met. Ginpachi raised an eyebrow with a hint of a tease ready to turn Hijikata red, but the raven already one step ahead by turning a shade darker and heading over a different section of the museum.

The museum was usually packed with school tours or tourists. However, during a holiday like this one, it was mostly empty. It was a perfect, spacious, public place. Just the right amount of people walking around. And yet Hijikata missed a crucial aspect about this kind of place. He began noticing it as he walked around through sections of Japanese Historical Periods, seeing people walking in pairs. Couples. He forgot how museum was a good dating spot. Realization fully sunk in when he saw Ginpachi from across the hallway, looking intently at one of the displays. This felt incredibly like a date and it was doing bad, horrible things to his heart.

What could possibly be the reason? Ginpachi went out of his way to drag Hijikata from drowning over mock exams at the library to celebrate Christmas with him. That was what the raven could only interpret this as. Like a date.

Hijikata wanted to just leave the museum.

Part of him couldn’t stop questioning the reason for Ginpachi to do all this for him. The other part of him just wanted the other to shut up and enjoy this rare moment with his crush. The latter was much stronger, it was backed with Hijikata’s attitude of keeping his thoughts only to him, despite how blunt he could get sometimes. So, as a compromise between those two, Hijikata approached Ginpachi who took longer looks over the Edo period section of the museum.

“Are you going to write a book about Edo?”

Ginpachi looked down at Hijikata.

“What makes you think that?”

“You research a lot on it.” Hijikata inspected the item Ginpachi was originally looking. A samurai’s katana sitting elegantly on the display. His reply was a low hum, something like taking Hijikata’s words into consideration.

“Why Edo?”

There was a pause before the older answered. “Just thought it’s an interesting period of time.”

“What genre are you planning to write next?”

“You’re oddly talkative today, Hijikata-kun.”

The boy clammed up with a slight flush adorning his face. From the corner of his eye, he saw a slight smile from Ginpachi. Hijikata tried again, ignoring the other’s quip.

“… What book is it going to be?”

“I didn’t say anything about writing a book.”

“But you said you’re doing personal work.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t say anything about writing, did I?”

A beat and then Hijikata huffed. The guy technically did so Hijikata had no reason to pry further. What an annoying teacher.

From that point on forward, they walked around the museum together. His stomach did a backflip but Hijikata kept quiet about it. He already confessed, why the hell was he even shy about it. He would take this however he liked, didn’t matter what Ginpachi’s true intention was. It felt like a date and Hijikata was going to milk this out as much as he could.

They looked around the various historical displays and both exchanged comments and jokes about the items. Ginpachi shared some anecdotes, even turning one of his quips into a historical trivia. Hijikata balanced with his own share of comments. It felt natural to go back-and-forth in conversation with Ginpachi. Their jokes were in the same wavelengths and they shared enough snorts of laughter to get eyed by other visitors. They took lunch at the museum café. Hijikata ordered the Doria set while Ginpachi ordered the Hamburg steak set. The entire day, Hijikata completely forgot of their teacher-student status. It was just two people hanging out together on Christmas day. Outsiders might had looked at them as a couple and Hijikata honestly wouldn’t bother correcting them. In another time, another universe, perhaps, that might just be the reality.

Hijikata was so engrossed in the moment that sometimes, when their conversation ended with a good note, a small smile spread across his face. It was done unconsciously, something that only ever naturally happened decades ago, when he was little and his mother still put him to bed, or when Tamegorou took him to the park and played baseball with him.

Hijikata only ever fell harder for Ginpachi.

* * *

He said it to himself at the beginning that they’d only go to less crowded places. Hijikata didn’t do well in hectic places. He wasn’t even a party-type of person. But, somehow, through coaxing and Ginpachi’s wide eye at the Christmas sale in the shopping district; they ended up walking through the shops. They were selling Christmas novelty trinkets, ridiculous Santa outfit (Ginpachi bought him a deer antlers headband and Hijikata forced him to wear the Santa hat), street foods (something that the older couldn’t resist, not at all, he kept buying one after another). They even wasted time at the arcade place.

They were going to rest at the benches in the middle of the town where people flocked for the illumination, but they both realized their current situation as they saw how the majority of the people flocking there were couples. Everyone was mostly in pairs, if not, a family. It was a reality check. They both became suddenly conscious and Ginpachi lead them to an overpass overlooking the illumination instead. It was still snowing and the scenery was gorgeous when paired with the beautiful lights. To think that he was watching this with Ginpachi.

If Hijikata had a Christmas wish, something cliché and naïve like ‘watching the illumination with the person he liked’, he could easily tick that off. He could graduate happily with no regret.

Didn’t mean it didn’t disappoint him.

The more he spent time with Ginpachi like this, the more his chest ached at the thought of that rejection. He couldn’t heal like this, not with Ginpachi treating him so nicely like today.

“Why did you become a teacher?”

Ginpachi puffed out a smoke into the air, glanced at Hijikata as he took another drag of his cigarette.

“You’re a shit teacher, why are you even one?”

“Blunt as ever.” Ginpachi chuckled. Hijikata only looked at him expectantly, hiding his face behind his scarf from the coldness. “It’s a decent job, pretty lively, don’t you think?”

The smoke billowed in the air, much more visible in the winter air.

“I was dragged by the Chairman, to be honest. I didn’t want to be a teacher in the first place. But the old hag said that it’s better than being holed up in my apartment writing dumb books. Guess she had a point.”

Staying inside only doing a single task, not having contact with anybody, that sounded depressing. Hijikata saw the irony. He was doing the same exact thing. It was probably why Ginpachi dragged him out today, to get out from that depressing state. It was only a coincidence that they met at the library on that day. If it weren’t for that, Hijikata would be at his usual spot right now, immersed in his notes, probably stressed.

When you saw it like that, Ginpachi-sensei wasn’t a bad teacher at all. He wasn’t uncaring, far from it.

“Don’t you have Christmas parties to attend?” Hijikata decided to bite, the coldness already crept close to his heart and that sinking feeling already dragging his heart down bit by bit.

“Well, it’s the same shit every year, drinking ‘til you’re sick in the morning.”

“Sounds fun.”

Ginpachi snorted. “You’ll get to experience it one day.”

The illumination from streets casted a beautiful shade against Ginpachi’s silver hair. Of all people in this world, _why must it be him?_

“Sensei, I love you.”

Ginpachi looked at him. There was no stun like his first reaction months ago. Just a look, unreadable, so composed, and Hijikata felt that it was incredibly unfair of him. Adults were scary.

“Can I not get a kiss at all?”

Ginpachi didn’t say anything and Hijikata felt like hating adults altogether now.

“Why did you even take me out today? That’s really cruel.” His eyes stung; the back of his throat burned.

The older extinguished his cigarette and crushed it with his shoe. When Ginpachi opened his mouth, it felt like Hijikata just got dunked by an ice bath.

“High school romance is like a case of cold. Once graduation come, you’ll get cured. When you grow up, you’ll forget about ever having this.” Ginpachi’s looked him right in the eyes.

“Hijikata, you’re mistaking admiration for love.”

He couldn’t breathe, his chest hurt so much.

“So why did you do this, then?! Why you’re still talking to me, taking me out like this, telling me things about your life—what did you think was gonna happen!” He lashed out, eyes red from tears.

“Hiji—”

“You’re such a dick! You keep treating me nicely, what am I supposed to do?! I can’t help falling for you. I hate it, why must you be a teacher, why am I your student?!” Hijikata averted his face to the ground. The snow was piling on the bridge.

“I didn’t mistake anything.” He bit his lips to stop the threatening sob from spilling out.

“I’m going home to study. Merry Christmas, shitty teacher.”

Hijikata walked away and Ginpachi stood where he was left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the 'mutual pining' tag is true from the very beginning so rest assured it's not one-sided ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Contains attempt at rape, implied drug usage, please read with caution

Hijikata didn’t go to the library anymore after that. He stopped coming for fear of meeting the teacher again. It painted him in a cowardly manner but to be frank, Hijikata didn’t care anymore. Who wouldn’t run away from such a horrible thing?

The boy studied in his apartment, holed inside 24/7 through the rest of the holiday. Day and night became a blur; it might had been from the fact that he hadn’t stepped outside for days, or it might had been from how his eyes wouldn’t stop producing stupid tears over spilt milk. If he stopped himself from studying to lay down, his eyes would tear up again, his chest would hurt badly. Like a broken sink. No matter how hard he tried to suppress it, in the end he just choked on them even more, then the dam would burst open. Rather than sad, it left him frustrated, angry. This nonsensical one-sided crush, there was nothing to be expected from the start, there shouldn’t be a reason for him to get this upset over something that wasn’t meant to be from the very beginning. But like a moth attracted to a light, a horrible desire to be with that man, Hijikata couldn’t comprehend it. Not a single thing made sense to him.

Thus, it just left him sinking deeper and deeper in his own frustration.

This horrible desire for the cruel jerk. There was nothing good about it.

He looked a mess through the entire Winter break, felt like a mess. New semester came and Hijikata picked himself up. He spent the entire time in his apartment getting over the stupid crush. He was over it by the time Spring came. It was just like what the teacher had said, he’d forget this one day.

Hijikata avoided Ginpachi at all cost. The boy distanced himself to his best ability, relying on his status as university examinee to get away from any situation that might require him being anywhere remotely close to Ginpachi. The first week of the new term, Ginpachi said nothing to him, Hijikata returned the gesture likewise. However, there was no denying that the silver-haired teacher gave Hijikata a look every now and then. The raven could practically feel the side-glances being darted at him, they drilled holes at his head. Hijikata avoided returning the gesture, he didn’t want to risk accidentally meeting the other in the eyes.

It was a relief that Ginpachi didn’t pursue him. The teacher finally acted like what he said. They would both forget about this, the hiccup in Hijikata Toushirou’s high school life.

It’s what Ginpachi said.

Hijikata wanted to believe it badly.

* * *

For a while, he did forget that ever happening. Without exchanging anymore words, eyes that only ever met the other’s back; Hijikata got accepted to the academy. The joy of getting what you wanted, what you’ve been working hard for. Perhaps the happiness of it all that oozed out from him, making him grinned from ear to ear for the very first time in a long while when Hijikata read the acceptance letter one Sunday morning.

He forgot a lot of things, including whatever he still had lingering in his chest; when Hijikata told Ginpachi of the good news, the boy only had his academy letter in mind.

“Congratulations.”

Hijikata’s own smile faltered when he realized the tight-lipped smile on Ginpachi’s face. There was nothing given by the man’s demeanor, the same hard-to-read expression. His words weren’t insincere, contrary to what bystanders might had heard it as, Hijikata knew well that Ginpachi’s word was an honest commendation. He knew it well, through keen observation from the past couple years, the raven was able to read the hidden gestures.

It was exactly because of that, that the smile was wiped clean off his face. Because he saw the reluctance of a gesture, a beginning of something that was immediately stopped. Hijikata didn’t know he was expecting the hand ruffling his head until he saw the shift in Ginpachi’s lab coat pocket, where the teacher had his hands hidden.

And just like that he was reminded of what he had forgotten.

It flared again and he couldn’t breathe properly through the choking sobs when he arrived in his apartment. It wasn’t from the absence of the gesture, or the fact that Ginpachi was holding himself back _that_ far, regressing to the bottom of the steps altogether. It was the fact that Hijikata realized, he still harbored the feeling regardless. Nothing ever left, it wasn’t just a simple crush that he could brush away, it never was. He merely got sidetracked.

“Next is just graduation, right around the corner. Well done, Hijikata.” Ginpachi had said after that and Hijikata hated it.

He realized it at home when he recollected that day again, of how final it sounded, especially coming from Ginpachi. This was it, just a month or so and he’d say goodbye to all these stupid things that messed with his heart so much. And yet, the childishness of not wanting to let go any of it, not wanting to be separated regardless, not wanting to say goodbye just yet—

When it ended before it could even start, it felt like there wasn’t any room to breathe. Suffocating. The taste of his first love made Hijikata wanted to rip his heart from his chest and destroyed it for ever beating.

* * *

There was no room for goodbye. They regressed so far that it no longer entailed a private meeting underneath the cherry blossom tree in the school backyard. Hijikata never had that sort of wish, of confessing while being showered by pink petals. Even when he got close to Ginpachi, that kind of scenery never sprung in his mind, he just didn’t imagine them in that kind of setting. What he could imagine was them meeting at the school’s rooftop like always. Ginpachi smoking cigarette like always, the mixed scent of the alpha lingering in the air. Hijikata wanted that.

The only farewell they exchanged was the one during the formal graduation ceremony, they shook hands hand that was the end of it. Hijikata walked away with Kondou and Sougo after the ceremony ended, Ginpachi returned with the other teachers. It completely ended with Ginpachi’s one last gaze that Hijikata saw from the school entrance. Of a tiny figure up there on the rooftop, he must be smoking again. Even this far, Hijikata was sure that Ginpachi was looking down at him, just as he was looking up.

He could tell Kondou and Sougo to go ahead first, he could run up to that place and demand the proper send-off, regardless of how strained their relationship had become. From all the heartbreak that Hijikata had experienced through that damn permhead bastard, he deserved at least one last goodbye, in whatever form it was. Anything, even another rejection would be fine.

Hijikata wanted to see him for the last time.

But he was also a coward who ran away.

He didn’t act on it. Kondou snapped him out of his stupor and Hijikata didn’t exactly recover well enough to act boldly. Instead he followed his friends to hang out at Kondou’s house before the graduation party in the evening.

There was no room to breathe from the very beginning, after all.

* * *

“You’re heading home already, Hijikata-san?”

Hijikata gave Shinpachi a polite smile as he passed the boy on his way out of the BBQ place. “Yeah, I need to pack my things for tomorrow, I’ll be returning back home.”

The other nodded and returned the polite courtesy, bidding Hijikata goodnight and farewell. The raven wasn’t lying about needing to return to his apartment, he hadn’t exactly packed everything. He had to catch the train in the morning, anyway. He promised his brother that he’d return home after graduation, before then going to Tokyo for the academy alongside Kondou and Sougo.

But truth be told, he didn’t want to return to his empty apartment just yet. Too early to be left alone with his own thoughts yet again, that room reminded him of the portion of time during the winter break that he spent too much thinking over unattainable things. School had given him the perfect reason to distract his mind, Hijikata needed his mind distracted again with the academy, but that wouldn’t happen until a couple months from now.

His feet carried him in a rather slower pace that he usually did, a tad bit uncertain with his direction despite already having a destination in mind. When he was just about to take a turn to the main street, someone tapped his shoulder and Hijikata lost consciousness.

He came back to his senses with fuzzy eyes and spinning head. Everything felt hot instantly, someone was in front of him and he was somehow sitting on the floor. The rancid smell of dirty alleyway woke him up more.

“Wh—”

Someone was breathing close, right near his face. There were hands over his leg, pushing, spreading them apart. Hijikata panicked when he felt his arms being tied behind his back. His body felt extremely hot and uneasy.

“Boy, your scent is so damn sweet.” Hijikata couldn’t even scream—what’s happening to him? He choked on his own saliva. Was he drugged?

He struggled as much as he could, trying to fight with his legs, but they were slowly becoming limp the more that he moved. He closed his eyes as the dirty old man approached him closer. The sensation of wet tongue meeting his skin never happened, however. Hijikata opened his eyes to a silver-haired person throwing the old man like a sack of flour into the dumpster.

His eyes met with Ginpachi.

“Hijikata—”

* * *

Ginpachi brought him to his own apartment which happened to be close in the area.

“You sure you don’t want to report this to the police?” Hijikata nodded, reaffirming it to the other. He didn’t want his brother to be noticed of this. It could jeopardize his plan for the academy, his brother would rethink of sending Hijikata to leave alone yet again.

The teacher granted Hijikata’s wish, then let the boy used his bathroom to wash himself. Underneath the scorching hot water, his skin felt hot and tingling from something else entirely. When he emerged from the bathroom, Ginpachi seemed to be much more aware of Hijikata’s presence. The boy approached the man sitting in the kotatsu and Ginpachi scooted away. Every single step forward met with the other backing away.

“You…--he drugged you, right?” Ginpachi didn’t face him and has an uncomfortable expression.

Hijikata then realized what this feeling of heat was.

Irrational. Impulsive. Intoxicated. Selfish. Hijikata threw away his carefulness and embraced the earthly desire of capturing Sensei’s heart.

“Sense—”

Ginpachi’s back met the foot of his bed. Hijikata fitted himself right in front of the silver-haired man, inching closer to the other’s face. “I’ve graduated, and you owe me a graduation present.”

Ginpachi’s hand stopped him by the shoulders.

“Hijikata...”

“I’m no longer your student.” He released his scent, making sure that the alpha got a proper whiff of it before finally capturing Ginpachi’s mouth with his. He knew not what his scent would smell like to the alpha, but he was certain that it was intoxicating enough to make Ginpachi pliant in his touch. The one who was drugged and being drugged, who was it?

Everything was a mistake from that moment on.

It was already a mistake to fall in love.

Ginpachi’s touch was searing hot and Hijikata wished it was forever imprinted on his skin. Something that tethered on purely animalistic desire, the way the alpha still had his senses to be gentle with the way he has his tongue exploring the inside of Hijikata.

“Sen—” Between the drug that kickstarted his heat and the way Ginpachi’s scent that made him dizzy, Hijikata didn’t hold back with his voice. A whimper, a whine; choked or not, suppressed or not; everything melted all at once. The hands that roamed over Hijikata’s body, the kisses that were trailed from his lips to his stomach, he felt like being worshipped.

It was effortlessly easy how Ginpachi slid his fingers inside Hijikata who was wet and all too ready for the alpha, eager, too eager. The omega clung to the other, raking the man’s skin when a certain touch hit just at the right spot. Ginpachi was incredibly hot when he entered Hijikata, all too eager as well. Both fumbling through their rhythms, but none cared other than meeting each other with each thrust.

A mistake in love, a mistake in life. Ginpachi who smelled like comforting Autumn rain, a gentle coldness to remind you of the harsh winter to come. Hijikata who didn’t know when to wake up from this dream, remained stuck repeating the same broken desire. Connected for this one time, just this night.

Hijikata came holding tightly onto Ginpachi, burying his face at the crook of the man’s neck to inhale as much as he could of the alpha’s scent. With a head that was still addled from the premature heat, he did his best to memorize the man’s scent.

Ginpachi came and it was shocking for the both of them, a reality check, when they realized the bulging knot inside Hijikata. The warmth of Ginpachi coming inside him. But the heat was proven to be a potent drug, especially Hijikata who could only feel the joy out of the entire situation. He used that as an opportunity to cling onto Ginpachi even more.

He really, really did love Ginpachi.

Regardless of how bad of a mistake it was in his life, Hijikata didn’t regret loving him one bit.

Ginpachi embraced the boy, pulling him even closer. “I love you.”

Hijikata passed out before he could register who exactly spoke that last words.

* * *

Hijikata woke up to an empty room. He peeled himself from the bed that he didn’t remember sleeping on. He was wearing clothes that he didn’t remember changing into. And above all, he was clean without remembering taking a shower after what happened last night. The only thing that remained unchanged was the fact that he was still in Ginpachi’s apartment.

The boy recalled what happened last night and concluded with the absence of the man, that sensei was running away, yet again.

Thus, it surprised him when he felt the breeze from the opened balcony door, the familiar bitterness of tobacco wafting inside the room. Ginpachi was just smoking outside. Hijikata looked over his own clothes, folded neatly on the coffee table, cleaned.

Sensei smoked too much, that was why it was always suffocating. Of adulthood that he couldn’t understand, the bits that the man scattered for him to piece, Hijikata didn’t know how to put them together. What he wanted, what he denied, was denied—Ginpachi kept on contradicting his own self.

The sky was pristine blue.

Hijikata changed back into his own clothes. He was putting his shoes back on when he heard the balcony door being closed. The raven stood and approached the door.

“Hijikata,”

He looked back. The distance between Ginpachi and him standing on opposite end of the apartment was approximately 6.5 meters. The distance between where Ginpachi worked here at Gintama High School in Saitama and his police academy in Tokyo was approximately 25 kilometers. Their age, their career pursuits, their everything; it would just keep on expanding.

The gap between loving and being loved.

“take care.”

The end of a mistake.

Hijikata opened the door.

“Goodbye, Sensei.”

He closed the door behind him and never looked back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHAAAHHHH AND THAT CONCLUDES THE INTRO PART OF THIS FIC AHAHAHAHAHA omygod  
> and after this we progress to the modern setting of the story   
> the twist of the story, i'll tagged it on the next chapter lmao


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time skip

“Makoto.”

The boy turned around from where he was sitting, playing with a set of wooden blocks. Tiny feet threading the colorful carpet, walking across the room just to fall into Hijikata’s ready arms. Hijikata picked him up.

They gave a polite thank you and goodbye to the day care teacher. The red horizon accompanied them home.

“What do you want to eat for dinner?”

“I’ll have whatever Kaa-chan is having.”

Makoto snuggled into Hijikata’s neck and he kissed the boy’s forehead. By the time the two of them arrived at their small apartment, it was past the purple hue. Cloudless, starless sky; an encompassing void that stretched beyond yonder. Even the brightest couldn’t outshine the numerous artificial of this city.

Hijikata reheated the leftover croquette from breakfast and made fried rice with what was left in the rice-cooker. Makoto waiting patiently at the small table in their 1K apartment. A tiny place, just enough to fit the both of them. A mattress nearing the right wall already ate half the space of the living area.

“Kaa-chan,”

“Yes?”

“Do you need help?” Hijikata looked over his son peering from across the small apartment. He blinked, then smiled.

“No, I’m good, it’s almost done.”

He brought the food to the table and they ate their dinner. Makoto with the training chopsticks, Hijikata with his rice bowl a little chipped at the corner from when the boy accidentally dropped it when he was trying to help Hijikata wash the dishes.

After dinner was bath time. The small bathroom unit was a compact one, Hijikata had to bend his legs a lot to fit in the small bathtub, there was just enough room for Makoto to soak with him. Hijikata watched the boy play with the worn rubber duck. If he recalled, they bought it two years ago, probably.

There was no TV in their apartment. The only thing that could be used for entertainment or such was Hijikata’s phone, and even then it was an outdated model from a couple years ago. There weren’t much that they could afford. Makoto barely had any toys, but the boy never complained. “The day care has a lot of toys already.” He always answered. Makoto never asked for much, didn’t have preferences; Hijikata felt guilty for raising him to be this sheltered.

Every night, the boy would scribble something on the sketchbook Hijikata bought him once, using a set of crayons that were already in broken pieces. After learning that the book had limited pages, the child stopped doodling big things on the paper. He’d draw something small instead, stopping after he finished one single doodle, then closing the book for tomorrow. One each night, small things that would accumulate. Hijikata wished he didn’t toss all his notebooks from high school; Makoto could use more papers.

Then they went to bed. One mattress, one blanket, one pillow.

“Kenta said that he won’t be coming to the day care again tomorrow.”

“Hmm?”

“He said his mom said that he’ll be going to kindergarten soon.”

“Kenta, huh…”

The room never truly dark, the everlasting light of Tokyo metropolitan always bled from the curtain. Even now, they stared at that streak of warm light on the ceiling.

“I’ll be the oldest one in the day care tomorrow.”

Hijikata combed through his son’s jet-black hair, the same shade as his.

“Do you want to go to kindergarten too?”

Hijikata looked at the red eyes peering against his. They’re bigger than the older counterpart, much more innocent; and yet something underlying those orbs seemed to be the exact same. They way they would glint was the exact same. A kid this age shouldn’t looked this lonely.

“I’ll stay at the day care.”

Makoto snuggled into Hijikata’s arms and the parent buried his face in his son’s hair. Both seeking comfort in each other’s scent. Hijikata couldn’t help but constantly sought for his son’s muted sweet rain. It had become a pitiful habit, a sad, sad longing.

He could enroll Makoto into preschool, but the free one was on the opposite direction from where he’s currently working. Everything in their area were private preschools that Hijikata didn’t have the money to afford the fee. Even the day care where he always dropped Makoto off before working at the local elementary school was because he knew of the owner and had gotten a friend discount, so to speak.

Hijikata always felt grateful of how considerate Makoto was. But he wished the boy would had been a little more selfish, a little more like a child. Hijikata wished he could indulge him more, give him all the things that the boy wanted.

He didn’t want his son to grow up with the same mindset as his own.

They looked too similar—the way Makoto would look up to him reminded his own memory of looking up towards his mother and Tamegorou. Of a child who had to grow sooner than he deserved.

Makoto deserved a better future.

Hijikata wanted to give him the world, but he was only a single person in the grand scheme of things. He graduated from high school and fell off from the rooftop. Everything crumbled when he found out he was carrying. He dropped out from the scholarship program for the police academy. He cut off contacts with his friends to recuperate with Tamegorou and his wife for a year, Hijikata told them the truth, but kept out the details. It was his fault in the first place, he should be the one carrying the shame.

They could’ve told him to abort the baby, Hijikata wouldn’t object to the decision. But they didn’t, and it only fueled his brewing selfishness more. If they told him to not keep Makoto, he wouldn’t have any reason to keep any more memories of that man.

He told Kondou-san and Sougo when Makoto was one year old. When they accidentally met during the holiday at the market downtown. The two returned to their hometown from Tokyo. They were shocked to say the least. Even until now, Hijikata still hadn’t fully explained it towards his two closest friends. He only explained of his disappearance and dropping out. He didn’t say anything about how he came to conceive Makoto, but the way Kondou and Sougo didn’t pry further spoke volume. He told of his current situation and how he was going to try to go back to his education, but didn’t know what field he should take, he had Makoto to worry after all. Somehow, one way after another, he was suggested getting a teaching certificate.

It felt like a mockery, at first. Hijikata didn’t say it out loud, but it did feel like a cruel joke.

In the end, he took the suggestion and went to university for the proper education training in being a teacher, something that he never thought he’d do. Because he thought he wasn’t a pushover, but evidently, he was. Following what others told him went better than going on his own, it was the conclusion he came up with in the end.

A teacher.

A sick joke, indeed.

Hijikata pulled the blanket to cover Makoto better, the boy already deep in slumber next to him. He checked his phone one last time to make sure of his daily alarm before going to sleep himself.

* * *

“I don’t like sweets, you know.”

“I know.”

Hijikata stared at the carton of strawberry milk being placed in his hand. Ginpachi standing in front of him expectantly, waiting for the other to drink the artificially flavored milk. Hijikata never understood the appeal of strawberry milk, it left his entire mouth dry, the sourness of its aftertaste was always unpleasant.

But he opened the carton, took a gulp of it.

Then he got into Ginpachi’s arms.

There was no warmth when he embraced him.

There was no scent when he inhaled for his neck.

There was no taste when he kissed him.

Hijikata could barely remember how Ginpachi’s voice sound like. What was it like, the timbre of his voice, which octave was it, what was his intonation, his speech, his everything.

What shade exactly were those red eyes…

* * *

“Kaa-chan,”

Hijikata rubbed his eyes open, turning off his phone alarm with one arm, while the other reaches to ruffle Makoto’s hair. “Morning.”

“good morning.” Makoto nuzzled at Hijikata. It was their daily morning routine. They’d linger a bit in bed before getting ready for the day. Hijikata preparing for their breakfast while Makoto watched patiently, never had the boy complained about wanting to watch morning cartoon, but then again he didn’t exactly have a reference in watching one.

Then they ate, then they leave their home. Hijikata dropping Makoto at the daycare before heading to the elementary school. Then working his ass off with a bunch of rowdy kids. Children who grew up in the city, the amount of time Hijikata had to scold his kids to not bring their smartphones to school already exceeded his level of care. It was a private school as well, most of the teachers turned a blind eye at these spoiled kids. Parents who could sue the school at any given chance, it was a dull place to work. Hijikata began to understand why his own teachers used to be so half-assed. It’s easier to not care, a day would blur just like that when you barely put your heart into it.

These days, people were just passing faces to him. Tamegorou died when Makoto was two years old. He wasn’t that old, he wasn’t sick at all, it was just a simple case of robbery. A group of men ransacked their house when they were all out. Hijikata, Makoto, and Tamegorou’s wife had been to the market. Tamegorou came home earlier and caught the robbers in the act, one of them had a knife and stabbed him. By the time the rest of the family was home, Tamegorou was lying on the pool of his own blood on the entryway. And just like that, the most important person in Hijikata’s life was taken away.

He didn’t cry during that time, nor did he cry during the funeral. It was until they had to move out from the house, Tamegorou’s wife decided to live with her sister in Osaka, she gave the small savings Tamegorou had for him and apologized for not being able to stay with him. She left after Hijikata secured a small apartment in Tokyo, it was a student apartment because technically he was one. Hijikata finally cried when he stood in the middle of the small apartment for the first time. He curled on the floor and wailed into his chest. His son comforted him throughout the night, patting his head and staying by his side. There were only ever him and Makoto from then on.

“Kaa-chan,” was all he ever needed to hear from then on. As long as he had Makoto, Hijikata could live with all this dullness.

But looking inside into the unlit room after unlocking their apartment door, at Makoto who was turning five next year already crouching to take off his shoes in the dark after Hijikata put him down.

He told himself that he could live with all this as long as he’s with Makoto. But Makoto didn’t deserve this kind of pitiful life.

There was a phone number in his contact list, one that he only acquired recently, about a month or so. He never interacted much with Itou Kamotarou back in high school, they never shared a class after all. Hijikata met him on accident at the elementary school where he worked. Apparently itou was the secretary of the boss whose child was attending the school where Hijikata taught. Itou was picking up his boss’ kid one day and while waiting at the front gate, they met each other. From a short conversation, it turned into an invitation to eat out. He brought along Makoto and explained a bit of his story to Itou.

Hijikata never thought he’d meet any of his old schoolmates, let alone Itou of all people. It was surprisingly easy opening up to the other man, he shared a workaholic tendency with the beta, it was easy to get into the same tangent when it came to complaining about work. Hijikata accidentally blurted about his living condition and Itou suggested something that Hijikata never thought he’d hear.

Their old high school was hiring teachers. Some of the teachers were retiring and the board was looking for alumnus to rope back into the school. Hijikata worried about his teaching certificate at first, but Itou reminded him that it was Gintama High School they were talking here; had the raven forgotten of all the slackers it had for teachers?

Hijikata said that he’d keep that in mind, they exchanged contacts as Itou was willing to help Hijikata with the recommendation and such. There was no reason for the beta to do all that, they weren’t close friends back in school, they just met again recently. Hijikata pried for the other’s true reasoning and it came with a bashful explanation that Itou had heard a little bit from Kondou, and Hijikata remembered that Itou was also in the kendo club back in high school. He felt stupid for forgetting the small rivalry he had with Itou at kendo, high school was already a buried memory to him.

He weighted the idea of going back to Saitama. The living expense would be cheaper, and he had to admit—he did miss the old scenery. Tokyo was too much. Hijikata thought he’d get used to Tokyo’s hecticness, but he never did get used to it, not even the slightest bit. In this crowded metropolis, Hijikata felt the loneliest.

He wondered if he was still there in that rotten school.

“Makoto,”

The boy looked up with his big scarlet eyes. Hijikata still loved that shade, despite everything— _because_ everything.

He shoved his hand into his coat pocket, thumb resting on his phone screen inside. One message, one leap.

“what do you think about moving out?”

And even now he still loved Ginpachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makoto (誠) = sincerity
> 
> ===
> 
> im done with my final project and thesis as well :'D i can now devote all my time to creating ginhiji content aaaaaaaa   
> tonight's gh_1draw/gh_1write on twitter theme was "3Z" hehehe it's a fitting night to update as well ahaha


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